Listening: Love You To The End by And One.
Well, this is just a place for me to post my dumb little entries about whoever I'm pining for/obsessing over. Usually my crushes are superficial: They are based on looks and thus don't last long. But recently I met someone who has somehow managed to attract my desire for over a month now. Let's call him Joseph. That's not his real name, obviously, but it will have to do.
Joseph is an angel, just one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He's a Chicano like me; he likes my type of music; he likes math like me too, but he's far more passionate about it. He likes to read, which is rare for a young man nowadays. He's super nice and so helpful and so kind and so smart. Plus he's really cute, so really what more do I need to say? He's exactly my fucking type: Chicano Patrick Mulvaney without the arrogance and the poor music taste.
However! — and this is what really sucks — he has a girlfriend. Just my luck! The first man I genuinely like for things beyond looks just happens to be taken!? I mean, I guess it's no surprises given what an incredible catch he is. But, ugh, why??
At this point, honestly, I just want to get over him. Even if he was single he'd never like me, because I'm, well, me. I'm tired of pining for a man who will never like me back, who can never like me back. I'm tired of being left over. I just want to be done. I wish he liked me, but he doesn't and never will. But I truly haven't accepted that despite my efforts to do so. Why haven't I accepted that? Why can't I accept that?
Listening: Heroes del Silencio.
“Rejection, I have found, is often the only cure to delusion.” - My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh.
Ugh, cute littler fucker won’t get out of my head. Geez.
Amanda (fake name) says his girlfriend is a “pretty, blond-haired gamer girl.” In short, the opposite of me: I don’t like games, I’m not white, I’m barely pretty, I’m not feminine (in my baggy cargo pants, square-shaped shirts, and bad makeup), and I’m definitely not blond. So, if pretty, blond girls are Joseph’s type, I really don’t have a chance. I should just give up.
And I wish I could! Seriously, I wish I was over this guy — but I’m not! Hell, I’ll probably stay crushing until he outright rejects (which likely won’t happen because he’ll never know I like him).
Sigh, I mean, shit, like Kurt Cobain said, “Oh, well. Whatever. Nevermind.”
Listening: San Lucas by Kevin Karl
Sigh I'm tired. I'm sick. Sometimes I wish you could fix me, that loving you and you loving me would cure my disease, as if you could be my manic pixie dream girl (boy version). I'm sorry I feel like that: you don't desereve that burden, even if it only exists in my head.
I don't know. I want to get over you already. I'm tired of wanting. Sometimes it's ok to be self-absorbed — when self-absorbtion will save someone from hurt. I wish I did't care. I wish you were just a friend, a mentor even, maybe, to me. I'm sorry I like you. You don't deserve the burden of my desire.
Listening: Angel de Amor by Mana.
It’s sad when a crush fades. I look him and no longer feel the same breathless rush. Of course, everything he does is still tinged with magic — but he is only human, and humans are notoriously disappointing. I don’t blame him for not liking me back (after all, who the hell would like me?), but the reality dampens my desire. He is just a man, I say it as if the fact will kill my crush completely. Most of the time, I wish it would, but today, with the realization that my desire has faded, I’m glad it’s not completely gone.
Being in love brightens the world. Finally, someone is excepted from my misanthropy. Finally, someone is worth breathing for. Maybe that’s all he really is to me: a reason to live. I use him to keep hope — but once a desire is fulfilled, does that desire disappear? Of course, my desire for him will never be fulfilled, but I wonder if I would do to him what I did to my ex: get in, feel suffocated, get out. I’ve thought of myself as a heartbreaker, but I did break one. I have the potential to break another.
I hope I never will.