Is There Something Wrong With Me? - Sunday, November 10, 2024

But with nobody in your bed/The night's hard to get through//And I will die all alone. — Jesus Christ by Brand New.

Listening: Creep by Radiohead.

I never really considered myself an incel. After all, when one thinks of incels, they usually think sexist white dudes who are extremely socially awkward and who frequent alt-right forums. I'm not any of that (I like to think my social awkwardness is just slight, though I may be wrong). However, that definition is just the social perception of incels. The real definition is involuntary celibate, meaning someone who can't get a sexual partner, not even a romantic one.

Although I did have a romantic partner once (another story altogether), I have not had one since — besides, I ended that relationship quite quickly. My sister had her first boyfriend when she was fourteen or fifteen; my brother had his first girlfriend when he was sixteen. I'm seventeen now: I've never had sex, never had a long-term relationship. I'm sure there is lots of things to blame: my looks, my autism, my misanthropy, my lack of friends. Still I can't help but feel that there is something very much wrong with me because I still haven't had those things. Maybe it's my babyface: a lot of people think I look thirteen when I'm not; maybe it's because I dislike strangers and don't like socializing; or maybe there's just something inherently wrong with me. Hell, it's probably all three. Besides, those are just answers, explanations, not solutions.

Everyone assumes I'm just going to start dating, that I'll just meet someone and hit it off, easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy — but it's not that easy. I wonder if they know that. One can't be just passive (like me) and expect a lover to just stumble upon them. Still people assume it's inevitable. Yet I've learned — mostly through the experiences of other people — that it is not inevitable. It's not guaranteed — nothing good ever is. I fear the day when my family will look at me and be disappointed, disgusted, derisive, because I failed to achieve what they so easily did: romance.

If the burdensome expectation for romance from society didn't exist, I wouldn't feel so wrong, so flawed, so defective. I would kindly wait, be not in a rush as Mike Tren puts it. Yet it is here. I feel I need to get someone — anyone — just to be considered normal.

The problem is made even more complicated because I'm not your expected profile: white cishet young man. I'm a bisexual enby (afab) with a bunch of issues. Therefore I feel people will judge me harsher. Additionally there's no community like the aforementioned incel forums for me. In the end, I'm just really lost. I'm not sure what to do.