Winter Is Here - Monday, November 25, 2024.

I couldn't wait 'til I got home/To pass the time in my room alone. — Adam's Song by blink-182.

Listening: Theme of Laura by Akira Yamaoka

Well, I feel like shit. Last night I pulled a depressed teen and laid in my bed for an hour, lights out, music playing, no intention to sleep, just too sad to do anything. Probably not a good sign — and after such a good month too!

I don't look forward to winter break that much. I won't have school anymore, my single reason for living; I won't have Phi Theta Kappa anymore too, my one social group. I'll be full NEET again.

Well, when I realized that, and knowing that summer break will be much worse, I considered killing myself this week or during winter break, but I can't do that, because I have finals next week and I don't want to ruin Christmas for my family. But if I don't die during the last months of 2024, then I'll have to wait for summer, because I'll have school again in spring.

Maybe it's seasonal depression kicking in, but I think it's mostly because I really don't want school to end. Without school, I face the world again as a failure. I return to being lonely, listless, and unproductive. Antidepressants won't save me from that. I don't know what will; I'm not sure if anything can.