Listening: Rivers of crimson blood by Wounded Masquerade.
Does anyone else feel like being on certain parts of the internet kind of traumatized them? Because last night I was triggered by a mention of Tumblr and went into a catatonic state for the first time in my life. I know some people will find what I said dubious, especially if they're the type to think trauma is caused by a big event — but let me explain: First of all, I was sixteen. Second, I was (still am) mentally ill. Finally, I was in the Tumblr's Misery Club, — if you have read my about page, you know what I'm talking about — the side of Tumblr where everybody is depressed, probably suicidal, self-harms, and/or starves themselves. We post rants about our misery and reblog other people's rants. We cry; we want to die; we hate everyone; we hate ourselves more.
Back to me though: Now, after what happened yesterday, when I think of my time on there, I realize that I shouldn't have been seeing what I was: the gore, the porn, the pain. I saw people's dead bodies; I watched people hang themselves when I was too depressed to do it myself; I saw people cut themselves down to the bone, their fat bulging, bloody and thick. I understand Tumblr's Misery Club and similar spaces are safe spaces for mentally ill people, but I also want to warn people about the consequences.
I was a kid then. I still am a kid. I dare any child to look at that shit for an long time and come away unchanged. The thing is I don't even remember all that happened, so I can't pinpoint what exactly traumatized me. All I know is that while I left the Misery Club, it didn't leave me. I try to define the inexplicably horrifying, but the memories elude me. Maybe it's my mind trying to protect me. I wish I had protected myself.
I found my first real friendships on Tumblr. While they didn't last, I don't regret that — but two things can be true at once: I wonder now if the negatives of the Misery Club outweighed the positives for me. I may be the only who feels like this, but that doesn't mean I'm invalid for it.
I guess… in the end, I just want to understand what really happened to me. I want to know if anybody else feels the same.